Journal Entry #whatever

Letting go of the one thing you have always desired, longed for...

It hurts so damn bad to give up on the one thing you knew

God would allow you to have.... Lately I've been learning

sometimes you have to go through certain things so that

it can build hope and faith.... whatever that bs means....

Let's talk about the pain, hurt and disappointment of

letting go of one of you biggest dreams because it causes

you more harm than good... You have tried and tried and

tried and tried to only fail or get crushed... I am sooo

fucking tired of getting hurt and crushed by people...

The people y'all God created is not right... Every one of

the people HE created is fucked up... How can I keep

running into ingenuine people over and over again? Now

that I'm thinking about it, it might be me causing the

bad ish.... I never really had it to even want something....

I am finally coming to terms with accepting my fate....

Idk if this is karma or what.... But this sucks ugly, bumpy,

nasty,funky, hairy ass.... I don't think I deserve this kind

of pain... I don't think I deserve this type of disappointment.

I am tired of begging God.... I am tired of asking and not

receiving.... I am tired of the let down and disappointment..

Well if I let go of that beautiful dream that's causing

me a damn nightmare every fucking day, than maybe my

luck will change.... If I truly do away with the desire maybe

my life will be better.... I don't think I'll be happier but I won't

be disappointed or sad.... I am challenging myself to

give up what I once, well, always wanted.... If I can deal

with this pain and live through it than the misery of not

having my only real desire may be easy to get over.... Can

I actually gtf over heartbreak, misery and disappointment?

Yes... no need to bring up failed past relationships... Its my

fault for picking them or allowing them in my space...

I do have to take accountability for my part... If I wasn't so

weak, slow, dumb, ugly, and/or naive I wouldn't have

experienced so much pain and unnecessary heartbreak....

I am big on taking accountability... So about 50% was my

fault.... But shit!! I didn't know God didn't/doesn't want me to

actually have or receive that blessing of being loved

and having true companionship.... it may not be in

my cards that I was dealt... Shit already a fucked up

hand but I normally win in Uno and Spades...

I guess sometimes the cards you are dealt are

meant for you to lose... I'll be fine though....

It is so many women in this world living solo

and enjoying their freedom... I too can be one

of those women... It's sad for me but I think

for others its empowering... Sooo.... I'm

challenging myself to let go of my dream,

my want, my desire... Yes these are my raw

true emotions at the moment.... well for

the last few days.... sighs... I'm sure I'm

not the only woman or man to feel this

way... I might be though... LOL!!